Oh me oh my, what is a girl to do?

I am having a difficult time finding a job and child care these days.  A statement that is a whole lot of truth, but on more levels than you may think.  Have I made an honest effort in my attempts at seeking employment/care for my children?

Nope, I really haven't.

Why you may ask?  Well I feel as if I have reached a critical point in my job seeking career.  I am now 32 with 2 children and I am at the point where the job I acquire may very well have, and should have, a permanent position in my life.  I can not help but think that I longer have the luxury to find any old employment.  Any old job.  I have to love it.  I have to make actual money with it, or it is just not worth it.

Not worth what you may ask.  Not worth paying someone else to take a major part in raising my children.  And so it brings me to child care.  Have I inquired anywhere for childcare as of yet?  Nope.  I have not even made an honest effort to put my little feelers out.  I have tried to think of possible alternatives to sending the kiddies to daycare, friends, alternatives in job hours, in jobs.

Actually, it is the finding of daycare for Avery that is killing me.  He is too young.  He needs his mama, or someone he is related to or extremely comfortable with.  I just cannot bring myself to send him away to day care.  He still nurses on demand.  He is still a baby.  He doesn't understand why I am leaving him every day.  Rohan can understand words, though the actual concept of a job may not get in, I do know that he is doing very well at school and I find that encouraging.  He is older, he has had 3 and a half years with me, I feel better about his possible enrollment into a daycare.  I have done the majority of raising him.  He is okay.

But not my baby.  It feels so wrong that I was able to give so much of myself for so long to one child and so little to the other.  I am really in a turmoil here.  I don't want to give him up.  And so the delay in a serious job search, and so the delay in childcare.  It has to happen soon, but I have forced myself into some sort of standstill.

The man is off work come December, I would love to wait until then.  But can we afford that?  And what happens come summer time when he has to go back to work?  What happens to my job?

Oh yes, my mind is reeling, the stress is building and the funds are running out.  And so it goes when you don't have a career before you have a family. Oh yes, and that serious lack of french knowledge while living in Quebec really does not help!

Oh me oh my, what is a girl to do??