Saturday, October 22, 2011

Sally Homemaker to the Max Yo!

I have weaned myself off of all those mom blogs over the last year.  I felt so incompetent and lazy as a mom, as a homemaker and as a person.  The lists of amazing things that were accomplished in a day all the while being a super awesome, perfect, profound yet edgy just became too much for me.

That is why this here blog post is going to sound as if I am catering to yet another of my many hypocrisies in life.  Oh well, what eve's right?  I will stand on the top of a mountain and shout out at the top of my lungs 'I rocked the Sally Homemaker today'!  And I did, and I am so proud of my fine self!

What did you do today, you may ask your fine self, well.......oh, what didn't I do, I say.

I rocked out 10 dozen cookies for Rohans pre-school, making that a total of about 18 dozen cookies baked over the last couple of weeks.  Whew, a lot of freaking cookies let me tell you.  These cookies are so filled with nothing good for you that they may very well be the best cookies I have made to date.  I have a tendency to try to healthify my baking by using whole wheat flour and cutting in half, if not totally omitting, the sugar.  They always turn out tasting...........healthy.  These babies, however, are all white flour and tons of sugar.   Yummm 

While in the process of baking these mass quantities of cookies, I was preparing our dinner, which was our third night of a variation of a gigantic pot of chili that I made.  Third night folks.  Not only the third night that every one had to suck back chili in one form or another, but the third night in a row that everyone was super happy with their meal and ate it ALL.  Chili.  Crazy.  I kind of wish I actually liked chili more!

And so there I am, baking like a champion and saving money on groceries by reusing yet another meal, holding onto or entertaining Avery all the while. I was taking little breaks here and there, doing a load of dirty diapers, cleaning up a little accident that Ro-Dog had, feeding the A-Rock some mama milk.

After cleaning up the dishes, and giving them each a bath (Ro-Dog refuses to share the tub with his brother), A-rock gets some more mama milk and a story and beddy bed times.  Ro Ro fell asleep on the couch watching hockey.  A good day.  A very good day in fact.

Somehow I had sunshine up my arse all day long today.  I was singing and dancing and just so dang happy for no particular reason.  My conclusion?  You get a lot more shit done when you do it with a smile.  Right?  Right?

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

trees give us energy

If you have ever wondered of the books that you read to your kidlets at night actually affect the way that they think, get a load of some of the lengthy and in depth conversations  I end up having with Rohan about trees.  Actually, it has mostly him telling me about trees.  Our conversation usually goes something like this;

Rohan: They have to stop cutting down all of out trees, they have cut down, like, ten of them already.

Me: You are right Rohan it is not nice to cut down so many trees.  But what do we need trees for Rohan?

Rohan:  Trees give us maple syrup and good energy, we need trees very very much.  They should plant a tree.  But it is a lot of work, we have to get water and then water them, too much work.

Me:  Well Rohan, most of the trees get their water from the rain, so planting a tree isn't so much work after all.

Rohan:  They ruin everything when they cut down so many trees.

Ha!  I have actually had this conversation with Rohan during almost every single nature walk we have.  My little environmentalist, don't get him started on littering.......

If you are wondering about the book?  The Lorax of course!

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Number One Fan

Rohan loves to sing.  I may have mentioned this in times past, and it still very very much true today.  In fact, he has elevated to using words in his songs naming them such catchy ditties as 'eat your dinner', oh god, there was a hilarious one today and I cannot seem to remember it.  Regardless, he sings a lot.

All of the time.  He may have caught this from me, the Broadway way..  I sing.  A lot.  About everything.  He listens to me when I sing.  He dances.  He loves it.  At least someone does.  He may be my biggest fan.

And Rohans biggest fan?  I thought for sure it would be me, his mother, it would make sense right?  But sometimes, very occasionally (see: all the bloody time) his singing gets a little shrill, loud and kind of painful to hear, for me anyway.  But there is one other being in our home that cannot seem to get enough of Rohans melodic melodies.


He swings his arms, flails his legs, shakes his body, waves his head from side to side.  He has even had occasions in which he has joined in the rhythm and blues busting out of Rohans mouth.  Both of them singing away.  It is the greatest thing on earth to watch.  Seriously.

There's Rohan playing with something and almost subconsciously singing away, you glance across the room at Avery, and there he is flailing about with a look of total elation alight in his eyes.  Ahhh these boys, sometimes they really rock my world.  Really.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Commitment Phoebe to the extreme

To continue on the thoughts of my previous post and the sentiments of career searches, parenthood and what to be when I grow up, I have had a personal awakening.  I hum and haw about almost EVERYTHING.  It is not because I don't want to this, or I don't want to that (though, of course, these are minor parts in the big picture), it is because I have commitment phoebe to the extreme.  To the extremey McExtremersons.

An example of this disease is my contemplation of today.  Do I go to the store and purchase a coffee.  The thought process of such a decision was as follows:

'Do I really need a coffee, I have already had one today'
'Should I really spend the money?  I need to be more aware of a budget as I don't have incoming cashola'
'Yup, I should get coffee, I brought my take away cup, I should just do it.  Besides, I can't go in there and buy a muffin and then hide it in my pocket so Rohan cannot see it, I have to make it look like I went in there for a reason...'
'Yes I should absolutely get a muffin'
'Hmmm should I really go to the store?  *glances at clock* I have to kill some time so as to not be to early for school, yes, I should definitely go to the store'
'Oh but the money'
'I should get Rohan a smoothy'
'I will use my bank card so I can still have cash on me'
etc. etc. etc

Final decision? Coffee, cookie, smoothy and a chapstick so I can put it all on the card with less guilt.  All of this and more during a 10 minute drive to take Rohan to school.  Crazy!

If this is the torment I go through to figure out whether I should get a coffee, imagine the utter distress that consumes me when I think about the possibility of going back to school, to do what, and what careery type job I would like to take on and suffer with (enjoy) until retirement (fingers crossed on retirement).  Why am I not one of those career driven, knows what she wants and lets nothing stand in her way in order to achieve it kind of gals?

I hum, I haw, I procrastinate.  If something gets in my way, I figure it was not meant to be and move on.  I am so unmotivated and I am not sure how it happened.  I am so unorganized on so many levels that I am putting my virgoism to shame.

I would love for someone to just tell me what I would be good at, and go from there.  Self doubt is creating a defeatist attitude, and in turn forcing me to remain at a stand still.

I am at present knitting Rohan a sweater, maybe if I finish this small project, I will be able to do the same with larger and more life altering decisions?!  I mean, I did finally decide to get the coffee and cookie, and I do not regret a thing.................

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Oh me oh my, what is a girl to do?

I am having a difficult time finding a job and child care these days.  A statement that is a whole lot of truth, but on more levels than you may think.  Have I made an honest effort in my attempts at seeking employment/care for my children?

Nope, I really haven't.

Why you may ask?  Well I feel as if I have reached a critical point in my job seeking career.  I am now 32 with 2 children and I am at the point where the job I acquire may very well have, and should have, a permanent position in my life.  I can not help but think that I longer have the luxury to find any old employment.  Any old job.  I have to love it.  I have to make actual money with it, or it is just not worth it.

Not worth what you may ask.  Not worth paying someone else to take a major part in raising my children.  And so it brings me to child care.  Have I inquired anywhere for childcare as of yet?  Nope.  I have not even made an honest effort to put my little feelers out.  I have tried to think of possible alternatives to sending the kiddies to daycare, friends, alternatives in job hours, in jobs.

Actually, it is the finding of daycare for Avery that is killing me.  He is too young.  He needs his mama, or someone he is related to or extremely comfortable with.  I just cannot bring myself to send him away to day care.  He still nurses on demand.  He is still a baby.  He doesn't understand why I am leaving him every day.  Rohan can understand words, though the actual concept of a job may not get in, I do know that he is doing very well at school and I find that encouraging.  He is older, he has had 3 and a half years with me, I feel better about his possible enrollment into a daycare.  I have done the majority of raising him.  He is okay.

But not my baby.  It feels so wrong that I was able to give so much of myself for so long to one child and so little to the other.  I am really in a turmoil here.  I don't want to give him up.  And so the delay in a serious job search, and so the delay in childcare.  It has to happen soon, but I have forced myself into some sort of standstill.

The man is off work come December, I would love to wait until then.  But can we afford that?  And what happens come summer time when he has to go back to work?  What happens to my job?

Oh yes, my mind is reeling, the stress is building and the funds are running out.  And so it goes when you don't have a career before you have a family. Oh yes, and that serious lack of french knowledge while living in Quebec really does not help!

Oh me oh my, what is a girl to do??