To continue on the thoughts of my previous post and the sentiments of career searches, parenthood and what to be when I grow up, I have had a personal awakening. I hum and haw about almost EVERYTHING. It is not because I don't want to this, or I don't want to that (though, of course, these are minor parts in the big picture), it is because I have commitment phoebe to the extreme. To the extremey McExtremersons.
An example of this disease is my contemplation of today. Do I go to the store and purchase a coffee. The thought process of such a decision was as follows:
'Do I really need a coffee, I have already had one today'
'Should I really spend the money? I need to be more aware of a budget as I don't have incoming cashola'
'Yup, I should get coffee, I brought my take away cup, I should just do it. Besides, I can't go in there and buy a muffin and then hide it in my pocket so Rohan cannot see it, I have to make it look like I went in there for a reason...'
'Yes I should absolutely get a muffin'
'Hmmm should I really go to the store? *glances at clock* I have to kill some time so as to not be to early for school, yes, I should definitely go to the store'
'Oh but the money'
'I should get Rohan a smoothy'
'I will use my bank card so I can still have cash on me'
etc. etc. etc
Final decision? Coffee, cookie, smoothy and a chapstick so I can put it all on the card with less guilt. All of this and more during a 10 minute drive to take Rohan to school. Crazy!
If this is the torment I go through to figure out whether I should get a coffee, imagine the utter distress that consumes me when I think about the possibility of going back to school, to do what, and what careery type job I would like to take on and suffer with (enjoy) until retirement (fingers crossed on retirement). Why am I not one of those career driven, knows what she wants and lets nothing stand in her way in order to achieve it kind of gals?
I hum, I haw, I procrastinate. If something gets in my way, I figure it was not meant to be and move on. I am so unmotivated and I am not sure how it happened. I am so unorganized on so many levels that I am putting my virgoism to shame.
I would love for someone to just tell me what I would be good at, and go from there. Self doubt is creating a defeatist attitude, and in turn forcing me to remain at a stand still.
I am at present knitting Rohan a sweater, maybe if I finish this small project, I will be able to do the same with larger and more life altering decisions?! I mean, I did finally decide to get the coffee and cookie, and I do not regret a thing.................