Thursday, September 2, 2010

Will it be Mr.Hyde todaY?

Dear Rohan,

There are times when I feel like I am a very conflicted and confusing mom. There are some times when I have a constant abundance of energy, patience and understanding. These days I feel myself look at things within a perspective of a two year old. I see how frustrating it can be to only have a limited ability to communicate, how you are pretty much completely controlled.........I mean guided, by the big people.

You are testing your limits and dipping your toes into a big full pond of independence. You often see how big and deep and unlimited this pond can be, and you get scared of its depths. These are the times that you seek me out for comfort and security. I like to think that as often as possible, I provide this for you. These are the good days.

On the other, less than good days, or even just moments in time, I become blind to your newness. These times I am lacking something, such as food (oh how I can be intolerant when ma belly is empty), super tired , from lack of sleep or just from being kinda big and kinda pregnant, or even just from basking in something negative (regretfully I do) which gives me too much negative energy. This is when I switch to unfair mommy.

I get frustrated faster on these days. I become less tolerant of situations or sounds that you make, such as whining. Good days, I get your frustration, I bend down, I talk to you at eye level and find out what you need. Bad days I hear the sound of nails on the chalk board, and I am sure, I whine right back at you. And I get mad so fast and so unnecessarily. I feel guilty about these days. I know I can parent better, but I just can't seem to find the reserves, the energy, the patience.

Your mom is a classic case of the Dr. Jekyll and Miss. Hyde. Sorry Ro-Dog, I guess the rumours are true, no one is perfect all the time. Just know that I am trying my best and that I love you very much, even when I seem like a crazy woman!!

Love you,

Love Mama

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