Monday, January 2, 2012

New Years Resolutions

I have not even attempted to come up with anything resembling a New Years resolution for many many a New year.  It has always seemed like making a false promise to yourself, only to be disappointed and discouraged when December 31st comes and you have nothing to show for yourself.  Maybe I tend to aim low. Don't make big resolutions you know you will not achieve.

This year feels a bit different however........actually, no, this year feel dramatically same same as last year.  If anybody knows me, they know that this is a recipe for disaster.  Same same can very easily be construed into boring and unlivable in my eyes, which in turn can spell unnecessary acts of over drama in order to to get some change and excitement in my life.  Not good when you have the level of commitments and amount of dependents that I have now acquired over the years.  Any drama I create can have a potential domino effect on my loved ones, causing hurt and pain when all I wanted was a little bit of newness.

I, Elizabeth Peters, am a change-oholic.  I think it has taken until the last couple of years to really acknowledge this part of myself.  Only the last year to really come to terms and accept this part of my personality flaw (perk?).  When you are living a fairly routine life style, you can start to feel boxed in and stagnant very very quickly.  Which I do.  I itch and wiggle.  I sweat and pace.  I need to go out.  I need to see something new.  I need to go somewhere new.  I need to meet someone new.  GET ME OUT OF THIS HOUSE BEFORE I GO MAD!!  Good.  I like facing these tid bits of personal reality, makes me feel justified!

So, this year I will make some absolutely attainable and realistic resolutions.  As a side note, I am winging this, I have not actually thought about any resolutions until this very second in time, bare (hehe) with me .

1.  Use TV time wisely.  I am not so crazy as to think there is going to be any drastic reduction in the watching of TV during the winter months, when we actually have it.  Some days are freezing, and if I don't want to face the outdoors, I certainly am not going to make my kids do it (unless I can convince the hubby to take them out..)  So yes, there probably will be more TV watching then I feel comfortable with, but I will try not to waste that precious quiet time if I can at all avoid it.  I will try to come up with as many alternatives for as long as I can until there just ain't nothing else to do (or I really need to make dinner).

2.  When playing quietly on their own DO NOT DISTURB THE KIDS.  Don't talk to them, don't attempting any form of interaction at all.  Do not even give them any sort of lingering look, because the spell will be broken and they will need you to entertain them again.  Tread very very lightly for those blessed and beautiful moments.  Enjoy, bask, shut the eff up!

3.  Do some yoga for the love of god.  It has been at least a year since my feet have formed to the familiar grip position on my well worn, well loved yoga mat.  My desire to get back into yoga is much much different from times past.  Although my body is in need of a serious uplift (sob) my spirit requires it a whole heck of a lot more.  I need that time to focus on myself (and I really don't mean for that to sound like the classic 'I never get time to myself' mama talk, seriously).  On my body, on my thoughts, on my spirit, on me, on myself.  Some time to focus and not push it away or bury it deep until later (later always means in bed, and I don't need any more to disturb my precious sleep).  I need to reestablish some sort of inner peace before I get so wound up that I snap (more often)!

4.  Write, Write Write and please just Write.  I used to always have some sort of journal on the go, during my teenage years (those ones are hilarious to re read) during my travels, during the first years of Rohans life,  Then they stopped.  This blog was my attempt to continue it on.  But I cannot be completely open and honest here. I mean to say that although I am not lying here, I am certainly not going to be unearthing and exposing all my dirty little thoughts and secrets for the whole world to read.  I need to start writing just for myself, my honest self again.  I was pretty good at in my day, really!  Which brings me to the next one...

5.  Be honest with myself.  I am not.  I am almost never honest with myself.  I think that yoga and in turn a bit of meditation with help to peel away some of those layers of uncertainty so I can unveil what my truth really is.  I have lost that along with many of my convictions. strength and trust in myself.  At best I feel confused and uncertain, at worst I feel like I am drifting above myself, watching as I just go through the motions without any emotional attachment to what is happening.  Soul search, find truth, stick to it, or not, flexibility is also a nice asset!

6.  Get in at least one totally positive thought in a day, at least.  I can feel myself drowning in my own negativity sometimes and it is just not healthy.  In fact so much so that I think it may be one significant factor in my on going poor health and lethargic, unproductive feelings.

7.  Give myself and my partner an effing break already.  I feel myself slipping into the fantasy of the life I wish I could have, the relationship I thought I would be enjoying, the person I thought I would be with for life. I cannot turn the tables, I cannot go back and change the past, and I wouldn't even if I could.  Too risky.  So instead of dwelling on how I wish it could have been, I need to start putting some more effort and attention on what it is, and just give the poor man a break already!  He may not be the free thinking, patchouli smelling, light hearted, easy going, vegetarian guy that I always thought I would one day settle down with, but he is hard working, animal loving, and a very very good and fun father. And he puts up with me, so that has to say something right?

8.  Blur the lines of gender related household tasks, quick, before the kids start to notice. I need to stop waiting for the man to come to get the furnace started, or cut the wood or fix this or fix that.  Just do it.  Stop being the only one in the kitchen, get that guy in there making stuff other then just the barbecue.  Start using that bloody barbecue myself.  I have unintentially created a definite difference between a girl job and a boy job, and it has got to stop.  I have to start (wo)manning it up and do some of these jobs for myself, and for my boys!

9.  Dip my toes into a bit of follow through, if not full out *gasp* project completion .  I need to finish some stuff.  I am professional starter, and then drop off from there.  Follow through is the real name of the game this year.  If I start something I am going to use all my motivation reserves to get that dang project completed.  Really.....

Which leads me to my first finished project of last year.....

THE SWEATER!!  Ahhh finally complete!

Okay, so I have quite a few other resolutions floating around, but I need to keep this as simple and small and realistic as possible.  Put a cap on it, leave it as it is before it becomes another unfinished project!

Happy New Year Every One!!

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