Thursday, October 21, 2010

I am not okay

As I get bigger my ability to keep it together is getting smaller. I can't seem to get my shit together these days to function as a warm and caring mother to my beautiful unknowing son. I can't help but hope to myself that these are not the memories he is going to have of me when he grows up. 'When I was two and a half my fat mom sat on the bathroom floor and cried because I spat in her face'...........not my most shining moment in parenthood.

This is just one time in a long list of throwing in the towel and having a little tear fest. The first trimester was similar to this as well as the first few months of Rohan's life. I am thinking that I just don't take to the extreme increase in hormones as well as others. Too many hormones to start with maybe? Never the less, I catch myself weeping over the simplest things and wondering how I am going to manage to do this with two?

I sometimes get the image of the mom in the movie About a Boy When the son comes home to see his mom weeping. I think of what Rohan is seeing. He is so unbelievably sensitive and offers so much of this sensitivity to me that it just makes me feel worse. He has sat on my lap and wiped away my tears, given me kisses and hugs and just generally maintained my presence to make sure I was okay. Actually, he would make an amazingly attentive boyfriend, lucky girl that eventually snags this gem!

These are the days that I feel like I am failing as a mom. These are the days that I feel like I am just not cut out for this job. These are the days that I think to myself 'what right do I have to bring another child into this world when I am doing such a poor job at being a mom to my first?'. These are the days that I wish I had some close friends that I could call and they could come over and drink tea with me and here.

Motherhood is such a lonely job. Even with a partner, and at times I think, even more so when you do have a 'partner'. And what, you may ask, gets me out of this funk? leaving this house that, more often than not, is what brings me into it in the first place. When in the same place day in and day out, spending more time than you would ever like trying to maintain some semblance of cleanliness, things get overwhelming. Especially when you are attempting to keep your two and a half year old entertained and you are so unbelievably large and pregnant and oh so very tired. It is hard to be at home and not clean or want to clean, or make mental notes of what needs to get done or cooked or baked stresssssssss. As soon as we leave the house, the house is out of my vision and, for the most part, out of mind.

That is why, in public, I seem like a much more calm and attentive mom, because I am not at home! That also applies with company. I feel much less inclined to worry about the house when people are over, I would much rather sit around and gossip!

The conclusion? We need a maid in order for me to be a good mom!! haha yeah right!

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