Monday, December 20, 2010


I am a very very nosey person. I am not ashamed to admit this. This is especially true when I accidentally, and then intentionally, overhear people talking about me. This is especially especially true when I hear people who I am pretty sure barely tolerate my presence talking frank to each other about what they think about me.

I always have this quiet curiosity about how people actually view me. On a good day, I can see the positive intentions for the way that I act/react, on a bad day I would do anything I can to climb out of my brain/body and rid myself of myself. With that in mind I would love to know if people can see through whatever facade that I may have to put up in order to block one of my bad feeling days or if they take me at face value.

In this case, these two individuals were already barely tolerating me, so needless to say the words were stinging. I want to explain here that I am the only one that recognizes that these two (a very generous couple mind you, filled with the best of intentions) are masters at hiding their contempt for me. Okay not me so much as the fact that I am their *insert relationship here*. They have not been very fond of the relationship that I have acquired that brings me to their attention lets just say.

Moving on to the conversation that I (un)intentionally overheard. The first of the two was overheard commenting on my controlling manner in a very contemptuous way. The instant I heard those words leave this persons lips I acknowledged that this was true. I did a quick run through of separate situations that I was a part of over the last week, and yes, it seems that I was indeed incredibly controlling. I don't want to be a controlling person, I didn't start my life out of the womb gradually acquiring the skills to boss people around (though my mother and little brother may very well argue against this admission). Nevertheless I am bossy and controlling. Damn. I also look back to see which situations drew the controllingness out of me. Any situation that regarded the well being, discipline, or the comfort of either of my children immediate inures a very controlling manner on my part. This is how I parent, please don't try to go over me and parent your way. Not cool. Not acceptable. No two parents are the same, no two parents parent the same. Please please please accept that idea and let me do what I need to do for my children with out arguing with me (or us in a few cases) because these are my (our) children and they don't need to hear it from any more adults than us.

I am also controlling in situations that do not have anything to do with the kids. Yup I like to control my environment. I see it. I may not change it. I am a virgo, you just can't change nature right? A good excuse? Good enough for me I say!

So that was fine, kind of cutting, but not untrue. It was the next person who was attempting to justify my behavour by analyzing my childhood. Such as 'her father died, she is just trying to hold onto blah blah blah her mother blah blah blah, she lacked control in blah blah blah she is just trying to regain it by blah blah blah'. My skin crawls and my blood boils just thinking about them discussing my life as if they were an expert on a past they were not a part of, nor do they know much about, just little snippets that I have revealed to them. I think one of my major pet peeves is the blaming of parents for the way their chlidren are. I have to agree that if the parents are any of the following: alcoholic, drug addict, abusive, neglectful, absent or just down right mean, that they are to blame (partially) for creating an anger and or bitterness in their children. However, blaming their parenting skill outright, nope, don't like it at all.

I am also a believer (though not necessarily a follow througher, which is another issue I deal with in my personality) that we are born into our families, to our parents, in order to learn whatever it is we need to learn, to be the best person we can be. This means that you may be born in a shitty situation so that you are able to find the strength and courage to rise above said situation and to pay forward the knowledge that you gained from it. It may be as simple as becoming a damn good councilor or as big as bringing peace to a nation of unrest. On the flip side, people may be born into a pretty good situation which will have it's own lessons, such as learning to be humble etc etc etc.

Anywo, I now feel kind of alienated and out of place in this specific situation that I have put myself into (damn me and my stupid traveling ideas) and I am not too sure how to go about changing that feeling and making myself more welcome. In all honesty my natural instinct is to run run run as fast as I can out of here and not look back. That is not an option so I may finally have to suck it up and face a very much unwanted confrontation. Barf. Not my favourite thing in the world that is for sure!

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