Sunday, January 30, 2011

Change of heart

I was going to make this post about my slack ass attempts at 'sleep training' and perhaps it will come in time. However, I read this article and it felt like a slightly shallow discussion.

I guess, with this motherhood thing, I have lessened and deepened my .......depth. I rarely find the time or energy to analyze, to dig deeper, to find understanding. And yet, I spend minutes, hours, days contemplating my children. What are they going to be like when they get older, what kind of tragedies or victories will hey have to face or overcome.

I want them to have a regular nuclear family so bad, so intensely, that I know I am exchanging my ideal or expectation or intent in order for them to have what I so desperate needed in my childood, teenagehood, adulthood, motherhood.

This article reminded me that there was a time that there was a father in my life that I needed, and that need was met. Once. When I was so very young that I didn't recognize that need as a need so much as a definite, as an inevitability, a constant, as something or someone that will always be there for me. That young. That innocent. The naive.

It also reminded me to remind myself on a more regular basis to keep my drama to myself. Well not specifically to myself, but away from the kids. Not that I am basking in a huge sense of drama..............ever really, life is pretty mundane, but in my head it reigns. And sometimes, it is so demanding that you can feel it out there in the open air, or you can hear it in my tone of voice or in my snide remarks. Not cool. They are so young and so beautiful and so not in need of me as me so much as me as mama.

That is not to say that I won't cry in front of them, or get angry or any other emotion that may pass me, but that I feel that I should put halt to my 'bitching and complaining' about .........whatever. Smarten up, flip that frown upside down, and for god sake, get some more positive spin to your life. Life is amazing. Life is short. Life passes you by so quickly. Love it and show them how to do the same.

Yeah, that article brought out a lot more than I expected to see. Read it. You may mist up too.

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