Friday, January 21, 2011
At least once a day I think about how amazing it would be to be able to split myself in two and parent each child with their accepted half.
When I have my focus of attention on one of the boys I always have this guilty tingling in the back of my mind that I am neglecting the other.
When I focus my attention on Avery, goo goo gaa gaaing it up, making him blow bubbles out of his mouth and smile and giggle (which he is doing now......so advanced my children are!) I feel super guilty. I look up from my blissful baby moment to see Rohan sitting in the opposite couch watching his toon's, or doing puzzles or playing with his diggers. By himself. So far away from me. He doesn't look sad or neglected, but I can see it. It is like a halo of light surrounding his being of depreciation. I may be the only one that sees it! But it was us for so long, just him and me 24 hours a day 7 days a week, and now I send Colin over to do all the things that I used to do. I miss us.
And as I make extra efforts to have some quality time with Rohan, I think about the exact thing as I do with Avery. I think of the fact that it was just Rohan and I and how Avery will never get that kind of attention from me.....EVER. All the things I used to do with Rohan, won't happen for Avery without the accompaniment of his big brother. We will only get a very small sacred amount of one on one time.
I now understand why people wait until one is in school before they have the second. You get relief, and you get to truly know your second in a way that just cannot happen when you have a toddler at home. In the same way, I can also see why people keep the first in daycare through the year of maternity leave. Not that I am not living the easy life with Colin around, it is amazing to have an extra pair of hands............but. You know. Not the same. Still no focus. It is a bit more scattered and a lot of you do this and I'll do this. Kind of confusing for the Ro-Dog. And for me really!
It is worth this in the end though. This still feels like the perfect age difference for siblings. They have a better chance of becoming friends ( I hope!) but at this stage in their (my) life, it is tough.........for all of us. Real tough.