Thursday, August 19, 2010

Journaling aside

I watched a clip someone had posted on facebook and I am starting to feel like I may not be able to rebound from those images now ingrained in my mind. This, especially, after the the running onto the road incident that had occurred yesterday. I am going to put up the link with a very high caution on it, in fact I recommend not watching it. I regret seeing it. And yet, I plan to show it to Colin. PLEASE SLOW DOWN, will be my message for him and everyone.

On second thought, I wont post it. I can't. I still have bile bubbling up in my throat. It is a nearly 8 minute video featuring clips of played out and real car accidents. All preventable by slowing down and driving with more awareness, caution, selflessness. The last word doesn't sound right when put forward as a request to drivers, to be less selfish. But people can be very selfish in their driving, they are the only ones on the road, everyone else can eat their dirt............I know you know the kind.

This video also represents many moments of new beginnings being lost in a premature death. It stabs at the heart with more thrust when the supremely innocent are victims to our aggressive behaviour, on the road or otherwise. It also brings me back to my fear of Rohan and babe number 2's mortality. I have never felt so unbelievably attached to the fact that my heart would stop if theirs did. They are me and I am them. That's it. How can you come back from the death of your own child? I don't know. I know it is possible, it is done worldwide..........every second of everyday. But just the thought of it, after such a video as this, or incidences like yesterdays, or just a dose of morbid day nightmaring, I feel like I actually do die a little each time.

This was all going through my mind as Rohan woke up from his nap (too early) I brought him to our bed and layed him down to go back to sleep, and for the second time this week clung to his little body with no intention of letting go. Ever. Is this an unhealthy attachment? I know these are the times to cherish, but viewing images such as these (the very ones I attempt to avoid through lack of television) scares the bejeezus out of me, like big time. Like forgetting to breathe.

This one feels jumbled, but I had to release some of it out into cyberspace to get rid of this built up anxiety that it created in my heart.

Okay, on with the day, hello rain, here to drown me out, washing it all down the drain.................

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