Monday, November 8, 2010

Ahhh so this is how it starts............

Avery offered me two very large splashes of projectile vomit this fine evening. It went from a nice pristine white to a bile coloured yellow. Smelly, and drenched with my own mama milk I had my first wave of the faint beginnings of mama guilt.

One of the very first things that went through my mind was a quick run through of what I had eaten today that could have poisoned my child to the point of projectile vomiting on his mother. This was literally my first thought. How have I made my child sick. Crazy. It was so non chalant and casual in my head. I didn't start off berating myself as a careless or thoughtless mother, I just let the assumption slide down my thoughts into a pool of 'it was my fault'.

Is this normal, sane, behaviour? Is this a pure mother emotion or is this just a me mama issue? Is this where the spiral of on going 'I blame myself as this mothers child for his behaviour/illness/etc'. I see where it leads, I have a 2 and a half year old after all. Rohan becomes a whiney little so and so, refuses to nap or eat and dumps his milk on the floor while simultaneously urinating in his pants and my first reflex isn't 'man this kid is a brat' it is ' the poor baby isn't getting enough attention from his mama, poor poor Rohan, bad bad mama'. How is that possible?

So I see where it leads, but I didn't realize that it stemmed from the milking months. But it makes sense right? Your baby is colic because of what you consume such as milk or soy or wheat. Your poor innocent infant is reeling in pain because you just had to have that piece of pizza, selfish cow (you not the one that made your cheese!).

Unfair man, so unfair!!

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