Yay for Rohan!!

Dear Rohan,

Today has been monumental on many levels it seems. You Were seeking out daddy in your time of anguish, which was pretty crazy. And you finally said your name!! yahoo! You are in the process of some serious verbal diarrhea right now and it is amazing.

You are stringing some words together and learning whole new ones. All prompted by you. A few of these words over the last couple of days have been boot, beach, dig, eat, there is more, but I am bit distracted, daddy is putting you down to sleep tonight, not going so well!

Maybe next time!

Sweet dreams
xxoo

Daddy.....no daddy

Dearest Ro-Dog,

We were enjoying another one of our on going, ever anticipated nap time battles when you decided to start hitting and kicking. You + heat + tired mama = serious nap time battle. I am still not sure where I intend to go in the world of discipline (or if that is even a word I would like to use in our moments of 'guidance') but I do know that getting kicked kind of sucks.

SO at this moment in time, I decided on separation. I left the room and shut the door and watched the clock for three minutes. As I was was peacefully resting on my bed, glancing at the clock, you were screaming you little heart out. It had more of a growl than an actual teary sad sound. Very animalistic, very pronounced, pretty cute. During this spout of animal sound madness, you started screaming for daddy.

Daddy? Hmmm this is new. What could it mean? Could it mean that I have reached such a cruel and heartless point in our relationship that are now attempting to seek out daddy for the love, comfort and support that you 'used' to get from mama? Mama is now the disciplinarian? Or could it be......................a breakthrough? Are you now finally seeking out daddy as an additional person of comfort as well as mama? Are you starting to grow out of the 'mama is the only one who will ever be good enough' faze and into the knowledge that daddy ain't so bad after all?

Could this mean that if I have the urge to go to the toilet after you sneak into our bed in the morning, you will be okay with laying in bed with daddy until I get back and not hop out of bed in tears because I had abandoned you?

If this is the case little man, this it impeccable timing! If all goes well, in the next couple of months you develop such an okayness about things being done without mama, that you may even (fingers crossed) let daddy put you down to sleep? I know I said I love it, and for the most part I do, but it will be so much more difficult with the new bambino on mama's boob!

Baby steps my little friend, baby steps!

Love mama
XXoo

Thinking, labouring

I am writing a post that has a fairly descriptive depiction of my memory of my first labouring and delivering experience. It is upsetting. It is upsetting to read. It is upsetting to write. I don't think about it. I am starting to get worried now though. I am just over seven months pregnant and my labour is looming in front of me. I don't know if I could do it again if I had to go back to a hospital. I remember feeling so vulnerable, so neglected, so ignored.

I am not concerned about the labour itself so much as the whirlwind repeat of interventions, decisions made for me, voicelessness, unimportant. Now that I have the safe haven of the birthing centre, I feel slight relief. not full. It is ahead of me, and now I relive what was behind me. The more I think about it, the more questions and concerns I have. How did it spiral out of control like that? How did I let it?

I just want my beautiful new baby to be with me from the very first moment it breathes air on the outside. I want to be able to touch them, see them, be with them. How is that a novelty? How strange.

I babble. I probably won't publish the post I mentioned. I think I need to get past it before I can share it. One day.

See ya Mom, wouldn't want to be ya

Dearest Rohan,


You had an opportunity to spend the day with your very good friend Emerald while mama went for another boring midwife appointment. At first I was a bit discouraged about your response to my excited urgings about this amazing upcoming adventure. Mama: Do you get to go play with your friend Emerald tomorrow? lucky guy Rohan: No (looks away in disgust and denial of any such activity). But come D day, I managed to pump you quite a bit about it.
Mama: Do you get to see Emerald today while mama goes to another midwife appointment, how fun for you! Rohan: (very excitedly) No now! Patience is a virtue I hear!

So off we went to Sharon and Emeralds house (the best name ever hey?) both of us in very good spirits. We drive into the driveway and there she is, your little friend, waving out the living room window. You hop out of the van (with a little assistance from ma) and run full tilt to the house. Good sign! Sharon (Emeralds Mom) and I chat for a bit, assess the situation, make sure you are comfy in your surroundings. All of these things got a big check, you and Emerald started to play right away. I love that you play together! Two is my new favourite age! So I went to leave requesting a big bye bye kiss, expecting............a little sadness at my departure. Nope. You looked up, gave me a kiss than went back to what you were doing. Just like that. See ya mom, wouldn't want to be ya.

When I returned from my solo trip, having had the first solo walk that I have had in a long time. I have to admit here that it was so nice to reach my destination at such a rapid speed, no stopping, looking, than running after you (not that I don't love our walks, don't get me wrong). It is a nice feeling sometimes! Anyway I got back to Sharons expecting a big warm welcome, and who comes running up to me? Emerald. You barely looked up from what you were doing, and I think you only came up to me out a feeling of shear obligation since Emerald did. I also found out that it was Emerald, and not the child that I bore, that inquired after me and watched from the window when I left. Ouch!

Is this a hint that maybe you would like to have some more time away from your mama?? I can handle that! So I guess we both had a good day!

Well I hear the water being drained from the tub, so bath time is over the next faze must begin, stories. That's where I come in!
Love you handsome, thank you for being so good with Sharon and Emerald!!

Love Mama
xxoo

5am??? Oh Lord

Well it is 5am. Rohan has woken up and slipped contentfully into our bed, the family bed. I layed there wide awake. I tried to move him, he got mad, I put him back and layed there some more. My eyes are burning and itchy, my nose is dripping like a faucet and I am having difficult breathing while laying down. Not ideal sleeping conditions.

I slip away and head down stairs to make some toast with butter and honey. This experience reminds me of my younger days when my mom was a newspaper deliverer for the heavty weekend newspaper. We would have stacks of newspapers delivered to our door and as a team, we would all sit around and put the fliers in the newspapers. That may be a jagged memory, us being at a disgruntled teenage time, it could have been a been a battle to get us to do anything.

One day on the weekend I would go with my mom at some completely unreasonable hour and keep her company while she drove around delivering these massive newspapers. I almost wrote help there, but I have my suspicions that I just tagged along. When we were finished our delivery, we would sit up on my moms bed while the rest of the family slept, mom read the actual newspaper, I read the comics and we would eat toast and jam. Eventually I think I went back to bed to sleep, and I am sure my mom would start her day of motherly duties.

In a family of four it was precious time to get to be with your mom alone. I especially loved this time we had together and kept it up for quite a while. Thats nice, I like that memory in my mind, even if it is 5am...................

Rainy Days

Dear Rohan,

We have suffered through a weekend of rain. The real negative aspect to this is two days straight of indoor activities. Saturday, these activities consisted of watching a movie (which we split up so it lasted all day long) Ferngully. I don't actually think that you are a big fan of movie watching. This gives us a good indication that you have a good healthy attention span for flashing lights. Though on days like this, a nice cuddle and movie could go a very long way!

We managed to head out Sunday morning for a super mini hike (there is only so far you will allow a walk to get before you beg to be carried..................kind of defeating the obtaining a tid bit of exercise that I was going for). It is such a pleasure to go for a walk with you, viewing nature with fresh, innocent eyes. Everything is an amazing discovery for you, and in turn for myself and your daddy. The colours a bit more vibrant and abundant, the bugs are a little less buggy and more enchanting, rocks, which have no end of fascination to you, become so much more than lumps on the ground. And water? Watch out for that water, we may never leave that very spot if you find any form of water, falling, puddling..............

Maybe after your nap we will try for another wet nature hike before dinner. I think we are all going to be in desperate need of a bit more fresh air before the day is done!

Thank you for the great experience Mister Magoo,

Sweet dreams!

Love Mama,
xxoo

Why the battle man?

Dear Rohan,

We have had such an amazingly simple day, no real complaints, lots of giggles and cuddles. But today mama feels a bit under the weather. Kind of nauseous, super tired from my night of general bad sleep, and oh so little patience. So why my beautiful, precious child, do you pick to day (and yesterday as well) to start up yet another nap time battle?

The process is distinct, clear and the same every day (pretty much, okay I am pretty bad at timing, and on most occasions you fall asleep in the car) eat, story (ies) talk about day so far, 'good night Rohan, sweet dreams, mama loves you'. And than we lie down together, cuddle and drift off into blessed, beautiful, peaceful dream land. Or not. Climb on mama, pee, more stories, more milk..........................ahhhhhh.

After my angry outburst, than my tears, than my sulkiness, I finally sat you on my lap, in your bed, wrapped in a blanket and cuddled you into dream land, 2 hours after start time. Oh handsome boy, mama is just too tired for this.

Sweet dreams my boy, see you when you wake up from you nap.
Love mama

Journaling aside

I watched a clip someone had posted on facebook and I am starting to feel like I may not be able to rebound from those images now ingrained in my mind. This, especially, after the the running onto the road incident that had occurred yesterday. I am going to put up the link with a very high caution on it, in fact I recommend not watching it. I regret seeing it. And yet, I plan to show it to Colin. PLEASE SLOW DOWN, will be my message for him and everyone.

On second thought, I wont post it. I can't. I still have bile bubbling up in my throat. It is a nearly 8 minute video featuring clips of played out and real car accidents. All preventable by slowing down and driving with more awareness, caution, selflessness. The last word doesn't sound right when put forward as a request to drivers, to be less selfish. But people can be very selfish in their driving, they are the only ones on the road, everyone else can eat their dirt............I know you know the kind.

This video also represents many moments of new beginnings being lost in a premature death. It stabs at the heart with more thrust when the supremely innocent are victims to our aggressive behaviour, on the road or otherwise. It also brings me back to my fear of Rohan and babe number 2's mortality. I have never felt so unbelievably attached to the fact that my heart would stop if theirs did. They are me and I am them. That's it. How can you come back from the death of your own child? I don't know. I know it is possible, it is done worldwide..........every second of everyday. But just the thought of it, after such a video as this, or incidences like yesterdays, or just a dose of morbid day nightmaring, I feel like I actually do die a little each time.

This was all going through my mind as Rohan woke up from his nap (too early) I brought him to our bed and layed him down to go back to sleep, and for the second time this week clung to his little body with no intention of letting go. Ever. Is this an unhealthy attachment? I know these are the times to cherish, but viewing images such as these (the very ones I attempt to avoid through lack of television) scares the bejeezus out of me, like big time. Like forgetting to breathe.

This one feels jumbled, but I had to release some of it out into cyberspace to get rid of this built up anxiety that it created in my heart.

Okay, on with the day, hello rain, here to drown me out, washing it all down the drain.................

That's it, it's the leash for you kid...........

Dear Rohan,

Today I felt as if I may have acquired a few extra stress lines and the beginnings of a head full of gray hair.

You like to run fast, it is great exercise, and you look unbelievably adorable with your little toddler, not quite one hundred percent on your feet, body occasionally surpassing your toes, run. It also conjures up a look of pure unadulterated freedom and joy. My heart swells.

You ran a couple of times today in places that are strickly no-no's. Such as the Molo's parking lot. I don't tend to run after you like a crazy person when you are there because it is easy to see you and also very easy to see if any cars are coming. I do however remind you in my very stern mama voice that it is not alowed, you must wait for mama and take her hand if you want to enter into a parking lot or onto a road. These are the rules, no leniency, no wishy washy, 'oh this time is fine'. This is very serious.

So we were at the local grocery store in Wakefield. I parked on the side parking that goes directly onto the road. We left the building with our goods, while I (stupidly) threw the groceries in the van, you ran ahead a bit. You were still on the side of the building, but in the parking lot section. I was weary, but not panicky. That is, until you swerved toward the road. I saw a car coming and ran like a crazy person, I grabbed your shirt (the closest thing I could get to) and knocked you down. The driver of the car (luckily) saw you too and stopped...........just short of hitting you.

I was so mad and scared at the moment I don't think that anything I could have said or done that could have provided you with the fear that I had sitting in the back of my throat and the pit of my stomach. I gave you a VERY stern warning, picked you up, sat in the side part of the van for a few minutes and cried while holding you as tight as I could. I strapped you in and hopped into the driver seat where I sat and bawled for a good 5 minutes.

Close call my little man. It is the leash for you for sure!

You are down for a nap now, and I am spending some quality cool down time. I love you handsome, sweet dreams, don't ever so that again!

Love Mama

To sleep or not to sleep............

Dear Rohan,

I have decided to start my blogging journal to you on this of cold and stormy days. I have just put you down for a nap after spending 2 hours debating the necessity of sleep with you. You firmly believed that now is the perfect time to play and talk and read unlimited amounts of stories. I however, as mama's often do, disagreed. I believed now was the perfect time for you to nap! Although it was a tight argument, mama won you over, again, about nap time.

This brings me to our frowned upon method of getting you down to sleep, may it be nap time or night time. The beginning process is a common one practiced by many families in the western world, dinner (lunch), bath (or not), stories..............and this is where it gets tricky. I have started making the habit of discussing our adventures and accomplishments of the day. I think that you actually really enjoy this, and I do as well. You then say your good nights to daddy (at night), he leaves, good night to mama and I stay. It has come to the point where you refuse to go to sleep with out mama's shadow on your wall.

Initially I felt a bit resentful that I had to spend so much time laying around in your bed waiting for you to fall asleep. It could, at times, take over an hour (or on this fateful day, two). That is a lot of time. But now that I have come to master the art of laying with you until you fall asleep, I have also come to cherish this time we have together. I love reading stories with you may it be night time or day time. It is amazing to watch your comprehension of the stories become more and more clear. It has also become a pleasure to run through our day together, even if it is a day you spent with your daddy and I had to make up what you did!

My favourite, which is pretty unconventional as far as appreciation goes, is the laying with you until you fall asleep, though I appreciate it more at night than in the day time. This time is spent laying side by side, you with your hands lovingly wedged into my ever expanding mane, and me watching as your eyes get heavier and heavier with the weight of sleepiness. There is something magical about watching as your child drifts off to dreamland. This also gives me time to relax and wind down at the end of the day, to review and contemplate what needs to be reviewed and contemplated, or not. A time to just lay there and be in the moment.

So no matter how many occasions this sleep thing becomes a battle, I will always hold this time we share close to my heart, and drifting through my dreams.

Sweet dreams beautiful boy, Mama loves you, I will see you when you wake up from your nap!

Love Mama

A change of scenary

I have decided that I am going to change the theme of my blog and make it into a journal form, for Rohan, and start up another for the new baby bird. My intention was to offer my children a little insight into their infancy, toddlerhood and beyond (depending on how long I can keep it up). This may make it a little less interesting for the readers (my whole four followers........I love you guys) but it will serve a more meaningful purpose for myself the the wee ones. If I am going to waste time gossiping on the computer and ignoring my children, I might as well make if for them right??!!

So my next entry will be officially the start of a new beginning!

My brother saves the day this time................stupid van

Update? On the way home from my actual appointment in Hull, the tire shredded, on the highway. I kind of felt like this might happen. Crossed fingers to make it home. Nope. Paul (brother of mine) picked us up, we went to the junk yard, bought a new (to me) tire. Paul put it back on. Living life on the edge everytime I hop into that vehicle!

My neighbour Colin saved the day

So, our van has been causing us troubles................nothing new really when you own a vehicle, trouble is their middles names, those vehicles. It started off as a new discovery. Our back passenger tire started to have a small leek, it went from filling up the tire every other day or so, to barely making it to the gas station every day to get some air in. On further examination of said tire, I found a previously owned patch job. We didn't do it. So this patch job lasted quite the amount of Kms before it reared its ugly head. Good for us.

To resolve this issue, I purchased a brand new digital compressor to use for our daily filling of tire needs. Nope did not get the tire repatched........why would I do that? So life was dandy, living some happy times with our new sparkly compressor, when one day, early in the morn, I noticed the front drivers side tire was flat. crap. On further inspection, Colin found the evil nail sticking out. We filled er up with air (thank you compressor, you were purchased in the nick of time) and I drove very slowly, very carefully while slightly crapping my pants, to the mechanics.

So I says to the guy. While you is fixin' this one, might as well fix the other. Nice, no more filling up the tire (no offense compressor my friend, you are just not needed anymore!). So I merrily drive to Hull today for an appointment at the SAAQ to get a vehicle registered, health card renewed and to change my license over.........................wrong day smarty pants, come back tomorrow. Bah. Oh well, I take my little man out for a tall glass of OJ at Molo's, our fav cafe in town, then head back home. The RoDog was looking mighty sleepy, so I decided to drive up and down the road a couple of times to knock him out (this is what I call the cop out method of putting your 2 year old down for a nap, it is easier this way) just as I was making my second round, psssssssssssttttttttt, effin' patch job melts off the tire.

So there I am, on the side of our dusty road in scorching heat tying to press the patch back into the tire as it rapidly sizzles down. FFFFFFFFF. I curse in front of Rohan, on (more than I would like to admit) occasion, and this was one of these times. I get Rohan out, collect our diaper bag, and with a bit of wishful thinking, encourage Rohan to walk up the hill with me. Nope. He has to be carried. EFF. Oh god, I am so pregnant/tired/out of shape. Tears are streaming down my face as I start trudging up our bloody hill. Everyday I love this road of ours a little bit less.

And that is when Colin drives by. I manage to make it only a few feet before the silver air-conditioned lifesaver of a car stops beside me. Colin is our neighbour. strange? yup, a bit! So he flops open the passenger door and offers me a lift. Busted being a girl. Crying. Damn. I blame the pregnancy as I hop in. So he takes me home and promises to come back and help with the van. I then try in vain to get Rohan down for a nap. Nope. He just keeps on peeing in refusal. Through his diaper. I take it off and put shorts on. Through his shorts onto our bed. I put underpants on. Out the fancy front hole of his underpants and onto his bed. Wow, welcome to frustration central, I will be your host.................No nap, I get it.

Colin comes back. We go to the van. There is no temporary fix on the patch, it pretty much melted off and left a gaping hole. Colin lifts up the van with his bare hands (or jack, however you want to imagine it) removes the tire and tosses it into the back of his truck for a joy ride to the mechanics. Thanks for the patch job mister, could I please have another? He did a much much better job this time (having a fellow guy there sure can make a difference) and did this one free of charge (you better believe it!). We drove back to the van. Colin tossed the tire back on like a hero, and voila, fixed (for now).

Colin basically saved me from spending the rest of my day crying inside the house while cleaning up Rohan's 'I refuse to nap' accidents. It is great to have great neighbours. A really crappy day turned out to be pretty good. I even managed to get Rohan down for a nap. Hmmm. Happy Tuesday!

Dog..............Ball

Rohan doesn't watch TV. For many reasons this is the case. I don't think it is healthy for very young (or old for that matter) children to use their spare time watching mindless/numbing TV. There is very little benefit to it other than using it as a means to entertain your child while you do other things, or nothing. Also, it is expensive, which has been enough of a case for me to keep convincing Colin of the perils of TV (the price, not the mindlessness of course). So, for now, we don't have cable.

We have, however, let Rohan watch a Disney movie or two on a rainy boring day. He has a pretty low tolerance for them, usually only lasting a maximum of 1 hour (which is much more than I expected, him being two with boundless energy) until he gets impatient and starts doing something else. It is a nice rest for us (admittedly) and I can definitely put my hypocrisy's aside long enough to understand the reasoning behind parents using the TV as a temporary babysitter. It is pretty easy to turn on the tube, plop them in front and go about doing what it was you needed to do with out a child wrapped around your ankle. For Rohan, this is still a rare and special treat for him and I would like to keep it that way as long as possible.

There is one thing, though, that I have started to sneak in whenever I decide to hop on the computer for whatever reason, email, weather, check to see if anyone has made a comment on blog...(hint hint). To allow this to happen while Rohan is awake and in need of entertainment, I have started letting him watch funny dog and cat videos on Youtube. He loves them like crazy! Anytime he even looks at the computer he starts asking for cats or dogs or babies (whatever stage he happens to be at a the time). It has now progressed to watching this one (well three actually, it is part of a trilogy) video over and over again. He looks at me with longing in his eyes and repeats over and over again(they have a way of doing this) until I consider hearing him repeat it one more time to be a worse punishment than having to watch the video for the millionth time. This is the video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CoiFGva_JoY&feature=related It is pretty funny, but substantially less after the fifth time in a row. So this is now how I spend my mornings, watching dog................ball.

Yesterday, however, was the biggest movie day Rohan has ever experienced, and it was for the sole purpose to entertain him while I had my friend Henna my belly. This took an astonishing 4 hours to get done (with breaks in between of course). Four hours is a long time to keep your two year old entertained while you sit motionless and boring. So he watched The little mermaid. Not too bad, the scary parts are pretty easy to handle. And when that was done and we weren't, he watched The Chipmunks movie. I think he was getting just sleepy enough by this point that he actually didn't have energy to chase after Amanda's dog, or go searching for adventure. He was truly amazing, and I feel pretty guilty. I feel okay about movies when it is cold and rainy and miserable out, but when it is sunny and moderately temperatured, I feel pretty bad for keeping him indoors. But in the end, he doesn't hate me and now I have supremely rad Henna on my belly. A sacrifice I am sure!

Very Hairy Security

When I was but a wee toddler (and I mean wee in the true sense of the word, I was pretty tiny) what brought me security was my piddow. This piddow was a pillow case, the vessel was all I was interested in, the pillow itself be damned. As far as I have been told, where ever I went my piddow went with me. When I reached moments of great toddler stress/fear/sleepiness I would jam my thumb into my mouth, and while sucking contentfully until my thumb started to wrinkle, I would very gently massage the inside of my nose with a corner of piddow. Needless to say, this poor security piddow of mine had to eventually go to piddow heaven, it had probably pretty much rotted into a mere scrap of material, certainly not enough to stick into my nose comfortably.

I don't know what method my mother used to wean me off piddow, though I did receive a giant gorilla when I was a bit older. I named this gorilla four, though I am not sure whether that correlated with my actual age. I still have four, well actually Rohan now has four. He is pretty spooky looking actually, so my attachment to Four will most definitely not be passed down to Rohan anytime soon.

I myself firmly believe in the benefits of a child having something, may it be a blanket, or a stuffed animal, or even a thumb in which they are able to obtain a sense of comfort and security. I think It is important for them to have something with a strong sense of familiarity in which to hold onto when they need it, moments of hurt, fear, unfamiliarity, and something warm and fuzzy to curl up with in bed. It may mean that you have to purchase four of the exact same puppy (such was the case for Colin's brother) to make sure there is no moments of panic stricken searches just before bed.

Though We attempted to encourage Rohan to have what is sometimes referred to as a 'lovey' none of them really stuck. He prefers his mouse, but can easily go to bed without it and rarely uses his mouse as a sense of comfort. Rohan's prefered security blanket is my hair. In moments of distress, such as waking up in the morning, Rohan lodges both of his tiny little hands into my hair, kneading like a kitten. Once he has finished with his morning snuggle and we travel downstairs for breakfast (often he still has his hands in my mane at this time) I have the hairstyle of the coolest girl in school........... from the early '90's. A lions mane crossed my mind.

Most times he does just use my hair as his security blanket, kneading, teasing, gently tugging, curling it around his fingers or hands, often getting them stuck. Other times he uses this hair massage as a weapon when he is feeling extra menacing. He will get his little paws in there and pull without release. I have to jam his fingers open and pull my hair out of his hands, leaving him with a nice chunk of mama hair to play with on it's own.

This security measure is not one I am overly fond of. For obvious reasons, such as losing my hair to the cause, but for other reasons as well. For one, Rohan uses my hair to help guide him into dreamland. He may have his back to me and on the brink of drifting off, but there is always one hand slyly searching for a strand or two to twists around his fingers. Once that hair gets gently removed from his hand he jerks awake, searching, searching, until he finds a bit more hair, than he settles back down. How is that for a bad sleeping habit? For two, I don't actually like having all of this hair. I would like to cut it all off (though it is getting so nice and thick and shiny these days, one of the perks of pregnancy). I can't. It would be like throwing out piddow without warning. Cruel. Crap! I may need to search for gentle weaning methods!

Bubbles

I don't remember what paranoid, panick stricken images crossed my mind during my first pregnancy. Maybe I was too busy working to think about it too much. I think, for the most part, I felt superhuman, as if my unborn child and I were living in this bubble where nothing could touch us.

I vaguely remember the very real fear of SIDS when Rohan was born. In fact, a woman at my work, a new grandmother, lost her grandchild of two months from SIDS. That was too close to home. Also other things such as dropping him, forgetting him in car/house/store....mainly dropping Rohan or Rohan not surviving his infancy were the main concerns (see mama paranoia) of his early months......up to about nowish.

I have now morphed my random images of the negative sort into much more detailed visions. Of losing him in department stores, of turning away at the exact wrong moment and Rohan running into the road at the exact wrong moment (remember pet cemetery, don't watch it if you have a toddler, it will not leave your head). All sorts of massive injuries that I wont be able to handle, such as broken bones, split lips, puncture wounds, these pass through my mind everytime he runs really fast, falls, and I have to catch up to him with bated breath, worst case scenarios running through my head. One of the the worst ones that I have a daily dose of is the concept of a kidnapping. My stomach twists and turns, I can barely breath. I feel so much of what I imagine it would feel like to have a child taken. I feel a loss so great that I cannot imagine what it would feel like to go on. It makes me want to grab Rohan (and trust me, I do do this on occasion) and squeeze him and not let go. These are the times that I would like to construct a large bubble for him and I to live in forever, nobody from the outside able to penetrate its walls, penetrate our lives, hurt us.

Now, with this pregnancy, I have no bubble. I am as vulnerable as I ever was, if not more so, because now I worry about the one within and the one on the outside. The paranoia mama moments I have involve still birth. Random acts of, or the direct result of an injury. The injury? Falling. I cannot get the image of falling on top of my stomach to pass through quickly enough. Sometimes it is an action to save one that becomes the demise of the other, to save Rohan from something I had to let myself fall. Morbid right? I can't help it.

I have rule about all images and scenarios and daydreams (nightmares). I will not allow myself to linger on them, ever. I try my best not to linger on anything negative for too long for fear that the universe will catch it and consider it a wish and not a fear, as if thinking it will manifest it. Nothing lingers in my conscious mind but positive thought (well I try anyway, I have not yet totally perfected this). But even these passing moments feel as if they take a little bit out of me. It is exhausting work, being a mama!